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Tammy K

Our Angel

My Reversal Journey
The End Has Come
Miracle in the Making
Kylie's Birth Story
Another Miracle in the Making
Konnor's Birth Story
Our Angel
Memorial to My Dad

Our Angel in Heaven


You were just beginning your life inside of me. Your daddy and I were so happy that we had finally accomplished one of our goals. Your brother and sister were so thrilled. They told everyone they knew that Mommy was having a baby. Lindsey was ready to give up her room to you. You were so loved by many.

The day I found out that you had died was such a shock. I think it shocked everyone else as much as it did me. Even though I had two u/s to confirm the no heartbeat it still did not seem real. I don't think the reality of your death was until the morning of the d&c on April 17. I tried to be strong. I tried not to cry. I tried to hide my real emotions. Please know that I wanted to cry, scream, kick, and ask why.

You see my angel, God had prepared me for your death on April 12. Tracy, a friend from work, shared a website with me about a lady who had lost her baby at 39 weeks. I sent the link home so I could read it that night. As I read that site I cried for her loss but she had such Faith in God. I admired her strength to carry on. The next morning which just happened to be Good Friday and Friday the 13th, I told Barb, an online friend, about the site. She scolded me for reading it but I told her it could happen to anyone. Boy, was I right. It happened to me later that very same day.

There was no reason for me to ask why. No reason to question God, but my heart still hurt and I cried like I've never cried before. My baby was gone. I was all alone in the doctor's office because my positive attitude kept telling me everything was fine. Your daddy was home waiting for me to return. I really don't remember exactly what I told him but I do remember him asking what had happened. There was no explanation. Your heart simply quit beating. Your daddy held me as I cried. Your daddy isn't much of a talker so I left him to grieve as I had to make some phone calls.

Many of my friends were waiting for me to get back online and tell them everything was fine. I called Julie, Barb, Maggie, and Heidi. No one could believe what I was telling them. They posted messages for me on all the egroups and message boards at ParentsPlace about the loss. I received hundreds of emails and postings and cried as I read each one. I later printed them all out so I can make you a memory book. I have so many things that remind me of you I thought it would be nice to put them all in one place.

Even though you were only with us for 12 weeks, we will love you FOREVER.

I know I will see you again some day and that is enough to comfort me for now. You have a grandfather in heaven waiting for you. When you see him can you give him a hug and a kiss from me? I love you both. I'll see you both soon.



~*~God's Delays Are NOT God's Denials~*~