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Tammy K

Our Angel

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Our Angel
Memorial to My Dad

Our Angel in Heaven

4/17/2001

You were just beginning your life inside of me. Your daddy and I were so happy that we had finally accomplished one of our goals. Your brother and sister were so thrilled. They told everyone they knew that Mommy was having a baby. Lindsey was ready to give up her room to you. You were so loved by many.

The day I found out that you had died was such a shock. I think it shocked everyone else as much as it did me. Even though I had two u/s to confirm the no heartbeat it still did not seem real. I don't think the reality of your death was until the morning of the d&c on April 17. I tried to be strong. I tried not to cry. I tried to hide my real emotions. Please know that I wanted to cry, scream, kick, and ask why.

You see my angel, God had prepared me for your death on April 12. Tracy, a friend from work, shared a website with me about a lady who had lost her baby at 39 weeks. I sent the link home so I could read it that night. As I read that site I cried for her loss but she had such Faith in God. I admired her strength to carry on. The next morning which just happened to be Good Friday and Friday the 13th, I told Barb, an online friend, about the site. She scolded me for reading it but I told her it could happen to anyone. Boy, was I right. It happened to me later that very same day.

There was no reason for me to ask why. No reason to question God, but my heart still hurt and I cried like I've never cried before. My baby was gone. I was all alone in the doctor's office because my positive attitude kept telling me everything was fine. Your daddy was home waiting for me to return. I really don't remember exactly what I told him but I do remember him asking what had happened. There was no explanation. Your heart simply quit beating. Your daddy held me as I cried. Your daddy isn't much of a talker so I left him to grieve as I had to make some phone calls.

Many of my friends were waiting for me to get back online and tell them everything was fine. I called Julie, Barb, Maggie, and Heidi. No one could believe what I was telling them. They posted messages for me on all the egroups and message boards at ParentsPlace about the loss. I received hundreds of emails and postings and cried as I read each one. I later printed them all out so I can make you a memory book. I have so many things that remind me of you I thought it would be nice to put them all in one place.

Even though you were only with us for 12 weeks, we will love you FOREVER.

I know I will see you again some day and that is enough to comfort me for now. You have a grandfather in heaven waiting for you. When you see him can you give him a hug and a kiss from me? I love you both. I'll see you both soon.

Love,
Mommy

 

~*~God's Delays Are NOT God's Denials~*~
tklueger@gmail.com